“When it rains, it pours.”
That’s the phrase that resounded in my head every time something went wrong. If I spilled my coffee, or got a flat tire, or overslept; All of a sudden, I imagined a series of unfortunate events trickling, one after the other. I felt incredibly unlucky for most of my life. I had no real joy for things and my pessimistic view made even the nicer moments seem dim. It was easier to foresee shitty bits of occurrences than to believe things could always turn for the better.
Around this time last year, I started embarking on this journey of self-discovery which interestingly enough allowed me to finally start seeing the brighter side. I changed my view and learned to be my own best supporter. Things were looking up.
I had been making real progress on myself at the beginning of the year and the outlook appeared bright. Life, of course, usually has a different itinerary. In the span of 3 months I felt like I kept getting hit like a piñata at a birthday party, except with no candy at the end. Every event made a dent on the “high” I was on and although cuts heal, there was that slight chance of a scar being left behind. Being the natural introvert that I am, I held in the anxiety and sadness I felt from the jolting events.
In a short version, I lost my car in an accident, in which the aftermath of it dragged for months. It was one complicated order in which inadvertently also led to an argument with my dad. We shouted and I the argument brought back old wounds. And just as one issue started to fizzle out, my sweet fur-ball of 17 years suffers health complications and I lose her. This last one alone brings me to tears because it had been some years since I felt loss like that.
Writing these events down on paper almost makes them fall a little short. The reality of each moment for me, however brought an overwhelming sense of despair. In fact, the feeling of despair also made me angry in the midst of it all.
You see, grieving over things always had an allotment of time with me. I grew up with the mentality that when shit hits the fan, you figure it out and keep moving. If you had to cry, you were allowed 2 minutes and then you had to get over it because life doesn’t pause for you. In many ways, this frame of thought made me resilient, but it also made me feel a bit inhuman. I felt like it was wrong or unnecessary to cry and want to dwell on these moments. Honestly, what was so wrong about that?
If there was something I had learned in the beginning of last year, it was the importance of releasing emotion. I knew I was allowed to feel sadness, anger, and loss but instead, I felt myself going back to the person who suppressed feelings for the sake of staying strong and inadvertently sank into a pool of doubt. I could feel myself losing my spark as I questioned my progress. What happened to the natural high I was on? Where was the woman who knew it would be ok and feel secure in herself? I wanted everything to stop and go back to those months of peace. I definitely didn’t want to go back to the pessimistically bitter person I had been used to in the past years of my life.
It dawned on me that the switch wasn’t in trying to hit the “stop” and “start” button on life. It wasn’t in whether I had a good day or a bad month. It was in taking a moment for myself to realize the blessings in the worst of scenarios.
I may not have my car anymore but “Patches” allowed me to have the road trips and daily commutes filled with memories and experiences that will stay with me for years. I may have had some rocky periods with my dad in the past, but he’s still going to be there for me in the end. I know this because we once survived years of distance and still managed to build the bridge back to each other.
As for the loss of my Dory, whom I never imagined falling for the way I did… I am immensely grateful for. She filled my house with a presence that made it feel more like a home. She was a walking companion in many ways, and she had a smile to her that definitely could light up your mood. I had found her by chance, but maybe it was also by fate. So as hard as it was to let her go, it was one of the most selfless moments of my life. In the end, I think we did right by each other all those years.
They have all been blessings in some way, shape or form. It would be wrong and unjustly to attach them to one bad moment which lasted minutes, in comparison to the years of goodness and purpose they have filled. My life will continue to have some bad moments, but it isn’t solely comprised of them. It is however comprised of experiences and people and memories. I could sit here and go through a list of sucky moments, or I could see them for what they were and count my blessings instead. Despite my lapse in attitude, it was another reminder of how perspective could make the difference.
As hard as it is sometimes to do, the only thing we truly have control of in life is our attitude. So allow yourself to cry and to feel all the shitty feelings, but also allow yourself to feel gratitude for even the smallest instances of light those hard moments are giving you.