Even Heartaches Have a Purpose

Your heart weighs on you. It pains you. There is a distinctive ache that only comes when your heart is broken. Your breathing falters as it tries to catch up to your tears. Your sorrow magnifies with every repetition of the memory that brought you here. There is nothing quite like it.

I didn’t look forward to writing about heartbreak, but it was my intention to do so from the start. It was only fair to write about the very thing that brought me here. I owe much of my journal writing to this subject, which lead me to this blogging journey. However, I didn’t anticipate the lack of readiness I would have in writing this piece. I knew it would require remembering that state of sorrow and recall the uncomfortable pain that comes from loss or disappointment. Perhaps, it’s the reminiscences of the pain that I was avoiding. Heartache or heartbreak, either way, we feel it the same. Inside, your once fluttering heart is now crumbling. Flashes of happy memories bring you to tears because it’s all you have left of that person.

My first relationship gave me my first heartbreak, where I began to put up walls. I didn’t want to feel this hurt by another again, and so I surrounded myself with barriers. As I dated, I kept everyone at arms length, never allowing myself to get attached. I chose to shield myself even if it made me appear numb or callous. In the least, it gave me the security that I was running things on my own terms and no one would get close enough to hurt me. I felt in control, but lonely. A small price to pay for the protection of my heart.

Then one day, this man came along. He was a familiar face, so I didn’t see a reason to be guarded around him. He piqued my curiosity and the more we talked, the more I wanted to keep talking. There was no agenda, no hidden intentions, or expectations. I was simply enjoying the process of getting to know him, even though I didn’t want to admit it. Just this once, I didn’t feel the need to hide. There was an unmistaken connection between us that I wanted to explore. It was so different than my past experiences. As unexpected as my encounter was with him, so were the feelings that emerged. Before I could convince myself otherwise, I had fallen for him.

Regrettably, our time was short lived. Just as I started to believe this was the beginning of something special, I received an abrupt halt at the door. I felt him slipping away and I didn’t understand why. I questioned if I had done something wrong, or if my efforts had fallen short. The issue that surfaced was beyond me, but it still meant losing him. I had to stand back and watch as this man who I learned to care for, went away. This man, who had seeped into my heart became estranged, much like a distant memory. I wasn’t ready to let go, but I wasn’t asked to stay. In fact, it hurt to hold on.

For me, letting go of the pain also meant coming to terms with letting go of him and what we had. I didn’t want to. I wanted to turn back time. I wanted just one more chance to relive the moments that made me smile; The ones that made me feel so hopeful for the future. Instead, uncertainty took its place as I questioned if those moments were real or if I had just fantasized them.  After all, my feelings were real, just as much as the pain. So why should I pretend he didn’t exist, or we didn’t exist? I would be doing an injustice to my heart if I told it to ignore the feeling.

A friend shared a quote with me during this unsettling period of heartache. It read:

“People enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We only get disappointed if we try to force relationships beyond their purpose.”

Absorbing this piece of knowledge was as hard as swallowing the tears that came from giving into this truth. Yes my heart was broken, but undoubtedly there was a purpose it was serving.

If people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, then he was to be my reason. He had opened my heart, making me vulnerable. The connection I made with him brought down every wall I had built. My heart was free to beat again after years of being tucked away. My inhibitions fell without any doubts or concerns. Day by day, I accepted this new version of myself, who was warmer and caring. I had accepted a man into my life without conditions or without measuring him to a par. It wasn’t that we were a perfect fit or that he filled every box for an “ideal man.” He simply made me feel secure in being myself.

I still miss him, but I would never want to force a relationship if it wasn’t meant to be. Heartbreak, although awful, can be the jolt needed in your life. It was a harsh reminder that my heart was capable of beating for someone, and it wouldn’t necessarily be up to me to who it would beat for. I am using this experience as a sign that my heart was never meant to be guarded the way I had done. At some point, I need to allow myself to feel and to love when the time is right. My heart broke because I was moving away from someone I cared for. The fact that I cared in itself should be reason enough to remain hopeful for the future. I cannot allow every heartbreak to deter me from letting someone in, even if only for a reason or a season. Until I meet my lifetime, I will carry on with an open heart.

Tunes for a Heartache

“Truth Hurts” – Lizzo

“The Way I Say Goodbye” – Emily Weisband

“Fix you”– Sam Smith (Version)

“Out of Love” – Alessia Cara

“Love Goes”– Sam Smith & Labrinth

“Dancing With Your Ghost”– Sasha Sloan

“r u ok“- Tate McRae

“A Little Bit Yours” – JP Saxe

“Loved You Once” – Clara Mae

“Break My Heart Again”– Finneas

“A Promise to Keep”– Brandi Carlile

“Another One” – Sam Smith