Introducing… A Cyn To Be Kind

So why A Cyn to Be Kind? It is a mixture of play on words and the hard lesson I am slowly accepting. To put it simply, I used to think that it was almost Cynful to be kind to myself. I was my biggest critic and my own bully, always ready to self-sabotage any good thing. Except, I was a funny about it, so there was that. Poking fun at myself and cracking jokes about my self-image was like my talent. All this most likely rooting from my lack of self-esteem but hey, I still cracked myself up. I would get the eyeroll from my friends every time, but I knew they wanted to laugh too. I would tell them, “Laugh! It’s ok! It’s just about me.”

I thought I knew who I was. I was realistic and I didn’t pretend to be something I wasn’t. I would say side comments like… “I have mirror you know.” (My expression a lot like that side-eyed emoji). I have always been a plus size girl or THIC as you kids call it these days. Pretty typical tactic that I learned growing up—If I made fun of myself first, then no one would really have a chance to. Point is, I was mean… to myself. I was using my slight comedic skills to consistently point out the fact that I did not like what I saw in the mirror. Yet, here I am now in my earlyish thirties and in the words of Jenna: I am Thirty, Flirty and Thriving. So, although I did not lose my sense of humor, I have cracked down on the self-image jokes. I really was pretty good at that. These days I am looking at myself through some pretty kickass lenses. I am not even sure how I got to this point, but a switch has been flipped and I see myself with a positivity I have never experienced before. Everything I have lived through, no matter how tough, has gotten me to this point…and it’s starting to feel worth it.

Now comes the reason to why I decided to blog. I started writing in a journal I was given this past Christmas. It started off as therapeutic. I was going through somewhat of a heartbreak and I needed some way to channel what I was feeling. The more I wrote, the more I forgave myself for having such feelings. Soon enough, I felt inspired to keep writing and it became a regular event for me. But it wasn’t enough. It hit me one day that I wanted to share my story. Not because I feel I am particularly interesting, but because the common happenings in life are what allows people to connect. Everyone comes across heartbreak, love, moments of happiness and despair. We are human and thus are the components of life.

So now, I am simply here to share my outlook on self-awareness and self-love. I have entered a stage in my life in which I am beginning to appreciate my humanity and the intricacies of life. I can lose myself in deep thought on most days and almost always I think about how my experiences have led me to my life decisions. This isn’t about preaching mantras or even being a good human. It is more or less about being ok with myself. Is it ok that I am feeling pretty badass?

For once in my life, I am tooting my own horn unapologetically. I am feeling Glorious! Wherever this feeling came from, I am taking it in and enjoying the ride with no expectations. I see my life a lot like having my own soundtrack. First thing to know about me is that I absolutely dive into music when I am feeling any feelings—happiness, sadness, love, loss, anger, regret. You get the picture. I tune in everyday and I play my song, which is why I decided to add an element of music to my posts. This blog and those to come will include a small list of songs from my playlist. They will reflect what I am writing about or elicited a feeling as I was typing away. Each carries a special meaning and/or memory. By the way, I love all genres of music and from different eras. It will be evident in my lists.

So here is my end note: In this moment, I can tell myself that I am worthy of happiness, love, success, and all things positive. Everyone deserves to be happy and I am choosing to jump on that wagon by being kind to myself for once. For my readers and new friends, thank you in advance for indulging in my banters.

Songs That Fit Me

Glorious– Macklemore (feat. Skylar Grey)

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

Scars to Your Beautiful– Alessia Cara

Good As Hell – Lizzo

America’s Sweetheart– Elle King

Good Thing – Zedd, Khelani

Love Myself – Olivia O’Brien