Magic Doesn’t Come from A Hat & Neither Does Confidence

Let’s keep going on a good note. For the purpose of setting a positive tone from the start, I want to dive into my newfound confidence.

Confidence gives you an incredible sense of empowerment. Nothing can stop you. Nothing can put you down. You believe in yourself and your potential. What was once a boulder now looks like a pebble and the sky doesn’t seem terribly unreachable. It’s my thought that confidence comes when you accept and love every part of yourself. Unfortunately, it also doesn’t come easy for everyone; it definitely didn’t for me.

Having confidence in myself weighed more on my soul than my own sins… and that is no exaggeration. I couldn’t see myself in a good light to save me. I picked at every part I didn’t like, disguising it as a “realistic” view of myself. I hated my body. I didn’t feel beautiful. I could recite every flaw I had without coming up for air. I felt lost in my career path and swore I had shitty luck with men. Half the time, I couldn’t understand why I appealed to my friends. All real talk. What the heck did they see that I didn’t? What was I missing? I am saying all this because to get to this new confident me, I had to look at my inner workings. I had this awful outlook on life for so long I can’t even remember when it began. How had I gotten to this point where I despised who I was?

There were times I’d retreat to my car, play my music, and think about all things missing in my life. BINGO. I was focusing on everything I “didn’t have” and felt I needed to be happy. Instead of being an active participant, I was waiting for my life to change for the better. I was looking for something to magically change my circumstances, and when it didn’t, I blamed myself for it. I was to blame for this rut, all because I could not bare to appreciate who I was or what I already had. My view was always a glass half empty. I spent more energy putting myself down than being grateful for just being alive or for the people that cared for me despite my shitty outlook. I could have been enjoying myself this whole time! I could have been relishing in my not so bad life. I mean, I have a great set of friends who’ve stuck with me for over a decade. My family is loving and supportive. I’ve been able to cross state lines and flown to places on my list that I always wanted to see and some that came by chance.

So what was I missing? Here’s the thing: your movements, your speech, your attitude, maybe even your aura is put into the universe to be read. So what type of story do you want to tell? We all shine, somehow even on the days where we can’t conjure up a care about anything. We put out who we believe we are even when we don’t think others are noticing.

This might sound cliché, but you truly are special in your own way. You just have to see it in yourself. To put it plainly, my lack of confidence and belief in myself was leaking into all the other parts of my life. Nothing was changing because I hadn’t made the decision to change. My mentality needed a dire upgrade and no one or anything could make it happen but me. I wish this new attitude had happened sooner, but as I think  on it, this was the time intended for me.

Now the conversations I have with myself are a little different:

Your body is not perfect, but gurrrl it is the only one you have. Why not love it? So what if you’re on the thicker side? You have features and curves that are yours and yours alone. More to love they say. You are not the image of beauty, but you are beautiful. And who cares if you are single. I’m pretty sure you have dodged a few bullets in your days. Not to mention being single has allowed you to follow your own agenda. It does not mean you are going to be alone nor you are not meant to fall in love again. It just means what is waiting for you has not come along just yet. That’s ok. You are one patient woman. You’re loving and kind, even if you don’t do well in showing it. You work hard for everything you have and YOU deserve to enjoy every second of your life. You are a good friend and a decent daughter, who always tries to protect those you love. You are pretty special.

There is so much I still need to work on. I have a list of things I would like to see in life. Things I have yet to accomplish. But all in good time. It’s just a matter of making it happen. I can now say it and truly believe it. I am already seeing the change in me and it feels fucking amazing. My glass is definitely half full.

I am ready to manifest all the good stories and magical events I once thought were lost. They were never lost. I just need to discover them for myself. Get ready Cyn. You just unleashed your potential.

Playlist for that Confidence Boost

“Somewhere I Belong” – Linkin Park

“All These Things That I’ve Done” – The Killers

“Keep On” – Sasha Sloan

“Unpretty” – TLC

“Chunky” – Bruno Mars

“Let’s Go Crazy” – Prince

“High Hopes” – Panic! At The Disco

“Love Myself” – Olivia O’Brien

“Feeling Good” – Nina Simone