Sorry Isn’t Enough, Forgiveness Is

Oprah Winfrey once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’”

Forgiveness. Such a challenging concept. It is so much easier for people to be angry, resentful, spiteful, and vindictive towards someone that hurt you than to forgive them. These emotions of pain are not only ugly but damaging. Forgiveness damages nothing or no one.  So why do we choose anger? Why do we choose to keep pain bottled up, when holding it adds no value to who we are? Of course, I have needed to examine this for myself a few times.

It seems to me the most sensible explanation to reaching a state of forgiveness is when a person can let go of the hurt. This would most likely take time, but it’s not unrealistic. I find it to be true that forgiveness isn’t for the offender. It’s for the person wronged. They are the ones feeling betrayed, carrying pain, always wondering if they will be wronged again. It’s like they are trapped in a bubble with fear, no trust and hurt. Does the offender know or care? And if they do and they’re sorry, will hearing it be enough to move on? Technically, a sorry doesn’t change what happened, nor does it take away the negative emotions. They would have to let go of their pride and anger if they are truly ready to forgive.

A few months ago, someone from my past returned. Until then, I wasn’t aware I needed to forgive them. In fact, I trusted that what happened was left so far in the past, it hardly entered my mind anymore. They came back and this time with new developments. I felt anger, betrayal, and pain come to the surface quicker than lava flow as I heard all they had to say. Even though I sensed they felt tormented behind it all, I was still boiling inside. Many questions came to mind. Why now? Why seek forgiveness after all these years? Why should I give them comfort when I was the one who was left feeling small? I requested time to think.

What was I to do? Was I supposed to be the bigger person here? What about all those times that I wasn’t shown any compassion? Amongst this string of questions, I realized I never resolved our relationship or got closure for myself. This was bottled up resentment I put away and ignored, believing it was me moving on. I cheated myself out of my own peace, because I refused to release the real hurt I felt inside all those years back. This wasn’t hate; this was pain.

I needed to see this as an opportunity to finally let go. So, I unleashed everything I didn’t have the courage to say back then, plus some. In doing this, I committed to leaving my resentment with it. Clearly, holding on to it got me nowhere. However, there was one more thing I had to do before moving forward. I needed to forgive myself.

Reflecting back, I realized I was the one who kept inflicting pain on myself, not them. I allowed our history to weigh in on my sense of value. As painful as some of those moments in the past were for me, I have to take some responsibility for the way I handled them as well. I was unwilling to confront them when it mattered, which only placed me in a pool of unresolve. I criticized myself for the way I reacted to problems and for not speaking up. I would always choose to take it in, all because I believed I needed to be this bigger person. But in doing so, I didn’t allow myself to feel all the natural emotions of pain out loud. I swallowed my grief out of pride.

Forgiveness is not just putting the past behind you. It is acknowledging mistakes, accepting responsibilities, and giving yourself compassion. Even when we hurt, it’s necessary to release pain in a healthy way, by speaking up and giving yourself value. Forgive yourself for being human. We all make mistakes, and I am no better than my offenders. I forgive myself for having negative thoughts. Its reasonable that I have them when I’m hurt, but I should not let them consume me. Finally, I forgive myself for making me feel less than who I was. I shouldn’t have treated myself so harshly, no matter how much fault I have in an issue.

The wrongful decisions of others are not a reflection of who I am. In every chance I get, I choose forgiveness.

Songs for When A Sorry is Involved

“Hello” – Adele

“In Between” – Linkin Park

“You Broke Me First” – Tate McRae

“Let You Down” – NF

“You should be sad” – Halsey

“Worst in Me” – Julia Michaels

“Ghosts That Knew Me” – Mumford & Sons

“Some People Do” – Old Dominion

“I Forgive You” – Kelly Clarkson

“Forgive Myself” – Sam Smith