The Lyrics to My Soundtrack

I can’t remember the first instance when music hit my ears, but I do know it’s been my escape: a place where I can loose myself,  with no awareness of  space or time. When we’re young, I suppose we listen to our parents’ choice in tunes. For me, it was a lot of Latino jams, mostly a collection of cumbias, Spanish ballads, and the occasional oldies station on the radio. Even now, I still enjoy them because they take me back to those worry-free days. And now that I’m older they hit very differently.

It’s funny how certain songs trigger a memory, taking you back to a moment in your life. Like, I remember distinctively the first time I heard Whitney Houston sing “I Will Always Love You.” It was an afternoon; I was five and staying with the babysitter. Her older daughter, most likely in her teens, was listening to the radio rather loudly. I was playing outside when the song came on. I didn’t have a full grasp of the English language at the time, but I didn’t need to understand the words to feel completely stunned by the emotion in her vocals. It was magical really. I thought to myself: If only I could sing like that someday. It was a silly thought because no one can sing like her and imagining me being at her level is pretty laughable.

 As I was growing up, family parties meant cumbias, merengue, and the slow finish of my cousins jamming out to old school R&B. They never disappointed. It was as if we played the same tracks for every event, in the same order. In my teens, I indulged in an emo and punk stage, with the music to match. I immersed myself in songs from Green Day, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park and so on. I was your average hormonal teenager: angry, annoyed, and occasionally filled with despair.

My first concert experience was thanks to my bestie, who decided her quinceanera was better celebrated watching Mana on stage. She wasn’t wrong at all. The leather jackets, beers in the air, and the howling of lyrics made for a sweet first. (Side note: Mana is a renowned Spanish rock band. So if you know, you know).

Then there are other moments in my life where I wish I had a song playing in the background to remember it by. Like when I had my first kiss: I was at the airport getting ready to fly back home, and I was nervous, with no music to ease me, just busy noise. No music for that one other first time either. (Not that it would have changed anything; maybe it would have made it more romantic).

I have been in love but have never associated a song with that relationship. Even so, my love song list is extensive, and I can think of a few nice options towards the emotion itself. Sharing music with someone is just as exciting as listening to a song for the first time. I feel I can catch a glimpse of someone’s personality or even a small window into their soul. That might sound intense but a person’s taste in music is almost like their personal soundtrack. In the same way I have attached certain songs to my memories, I wonder what memories and feelings those songs elicit for them.

Music is something I can understand. I connect with music the way most people connect with, well, people. I may not be the best at articulating conversation, but I can use a song as dialogue for how I’m thinking in an instant. Sometimes a song can retell a story you aren’t brave enough to discuss out loud. I myself use writing as an outlet for all my unsaid thoughts. Alongside that, I connect my feelings through music. “Line by Line” by JP Saxe and Maren Morris’ first verse has the same understanding:

“There are things that I sing that I’d never have the confidence to say
There are things I believe that I only figure out when I sit down to play
The truth don’t scare me in a melody, immortalizing my sincerity
There are things that I sing that I’d never have the confidence to say”

This platform makes me appear bold for putting so much of my personal thoughts out there. I have been told I’m brave for doing so. However, the truth is, I write much of what I don’t dare say or can muster to speak of in person. I write about my aspirations, my insecurities, my fears and my hopes for the future. These are things I sometimes struggle telling my best friend. Making myself vulnerable by saying how I feel has always been challenging for me. It’s not to say that others don’t feel the same, but I have a sincere fear of being hurt or rejected for my words or thoughts. I can never acknowledge when I’m sad. I struggle to tell a man I like him or that I miss him. I won’t admit when something hurt me and I feel odd saying I’m happy. So, I write and play any songs to express my feelings. This is my outlet and the closest thing I have to expressing myself. I’d rather write a letter, poem, or song because saying the words is harder.

Not long ago I wrote a song. Parts of a song, really. It came to me just as morning light hits a window, gradually, becoming brighter and brighter with each passing minute. These words were an expression of what was inside me. I felt both surprised and proud of my finished product, but at the same time I knew it would never be seen by another person. I am not a songwriter in the least. Yet, it was still my song and it meant just as much to me as any heartfelt love song I have ever heard. My words are sincere, even if I don’t have the confidence to sing them or say them.

But that was just the beginning. By the following week, I had written another song, lyrically better than the first one and with so much more intent. Since this is my platform and I can be as courageous as I want to be here, I’m taking the leap and sharing a portion of this untitled song. Go to my “Poetry” section to find that very intimate moment. Please be gentle, as I know it’s no Whitney, but it is honest. It tells maybe all but too much but, in that moment, my heart was speaking for me. It didn’t feel fair to keep it out the way I’d done with so many other emotions.  

For now, I’ll continue to cling to every song on my playlist and keep connecting to the world in the best way that I can, until I find my true voice and the courage to speak my truth out loud.

Music for My Memories           

“I Will Always Love You” – Whitney Houston

“Que Nadien Sepa Mi Sufrir” – Mi Sonora

“For the Love of You” – The Isley Brothers

“Simplemente Amigos” – Ana Gabriel

“Oye Mi Amor” – Mana

“Helena” – My Chemical Romance

“Wake Me up When September Ends” – Green Day

“Lyrics Lie” – Dance Gavin Dance  

“Line by Line” – JP Saxe